I had watched a TED talk with Brene Brown several years ago and it brought me to tears. She is a “shame researcher” whose story is very powerful. She did not expect to get the amount of views or attention it received.
She stated a few items that really dug deep into my heart regarding how we deal with others. We hide our vulnerability because we are do not feel worthy of love and belonging. We hide our authentic selves because we do not want to be rejected.
She stated that “children are hardwired for struggle”. We want to take away all of their pain. We are all imperfect but we are worthy for love and belonging.
No one wants to see our kids struggle or fight through anything but we want them to develop a fortitude of resilience and strength. Where do they get that from if we don’t want to accept it is just something they have to get through.
We can all blame our parents for different things that caused our adult lives to be not quite as perfect as we wanted them to be. Brene says that “blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort”. It doesn’t help to blame the way you are on anyone. The fact is you lived through whatever you did and you came out of it with knowledge and a certain feeling gives us the sense of battle scars that were earned.
Raising my daughter, we have talks that she will have to work for whatever she gets. Yesterday she told me she wanted a volleyball scholarship in order to avoid student loan debt. How crazy is the world that she is already thinking about this? I am unsure where she got the idea that she would have to pay for her college education or why we wouldn’t help her and everything is on her whether she goes to college or not but I sort of like it.
She is already taking on the possibility of engaging her future. It is interesting how children change. Last year she said she wanted to go to an art school because that is what she loved. After speaking with some college graduates of the cost of art school and what sort of career she would have after the end of it plus the fact that it is now 40,000 per year to go, she is not thinking of art school any more. The art school does not have a volleyball program.
We tell her she will need to first choose a career path in order to venture and then select the school. Now she just wants a scholarship and she really doesn’t care where it is as long as it covers the cost of her student loan debt.
Of course we will help her with college but gave her a realization of coming out of it with a marketable, employable skill needed to happen.
She will have to work hard. She will have to be competitive. She will also have to have some compassion with herself in case this does not happen.
She will not be alone, we will do everything in our power to make sure she feels worthy.